Courage in the ability to forget the familiar.

It’s incredibly easy to fall in love and pretend to stay aloft in that glittering state.  But how do you know when the time shows the other’s true colors?   When you love someone, especially when they are hurt or down, that is the time when someone who truly loves you reveals their true intentions and inner self.

Do they feel for you? Or do they cut you off and shove you into a box?  Do they work with you to resolve and conquer?  Or do they simply try to cut you down with mean words to make themselves feel better.  If you truly love someone, deeply hurting should be the farthest thing from their minds; yet we find ourselves stuck in relationships where one person preys on the other.  How does that make a person feel?  Why don’t they stop and see the damage they are inflecting?

Easy,  they simply do not care about you.

You have become nothing more than a thing to fill a void.  When tensions rise, they don’t see the need to untangle the knots, only to cut the cord and run.  These are toxic people and sometimes they can display themselves as cures.   Do they secretly parade themselves around?  Demand attention and obedience?  Do they shoot you down, one tiny negative comment at a time?   Often the more damaging people are the ones who pretend to be the most patient and understanding.  They want people to see them as them as the victim when fights break out,  they want people to believe they can never be capable of hurting or misdeeds.

These same people will cling to an individual and suck their life out.  They will break that person’s spirit slowly; nipping at their resolve until they too must cling for assurance.  Once the person has become broken, they will slowly pretend to stitch that person back to greatness, claiming they provided all the necessary elements that broken person needed to survive. They will give you love, affection, gifts and faux patient.  Do not be fool.  When this person decides it fit, he or she will begin to unstitch those laces.  They will watch you unravel, your despair will be their high and they will continue to do it until you are once again broken on the floor.  When you become too much of a burden, they will cast you out. Ignore you.  You will cease to exist to them until they feel you have suffered enough, and then they knock you back down.  Over.  Over again. One blow after the after.  They know how to hurt you.

They want to hurt you.

Is this really love?  Can someone who truly, whole heartily love another possible do this?

No.

This person is only with you to fuel their own needs, and yours are simply an added expense they need to occasionally pay.  How long will you survive in this environment?  Think about this.  How long until your too broken. You can find happiness.  You can leave just as easily as they person casts you out. You just need the strength.

Courage is the ability to forget the familiar.  Always reminder that.

 

Finding Out You Mean Nothing

My husband says nothing nice about me.  Sure, he says I cook a good meal.  I look cute. I am pretty.  Have you noticed a trend already?  All of my “positive feedback” is superficial.  Not once have I received a positive feedback about my mind.  About my ideas or how well I have accomplished the unthinkable.  Instead,  I received comments about how I never accomplish anything, how I never put enough effort, or thought into something.  For nine long year I am still waiting.

Always tell someone you love how much you appreciate them.  How well they have done something they thought was out of reach, tell them.  Let them know you have noticed.

I have gone down a dark path, a shaded grove of void that leads me to nowhere. What happens in nowhere?  Nothing good. But maybe you can stop yourself. Maybe you can remind yourself that you are NOT the hardest working person in a relationship. You can remind yourself that there are things you spouse does you would never dream of doing and they deserve credit alone for the attempt.  Be nice.  Be curious.  Remember that that person can not thrive on negativity. They could be gone tomorrow and all you would have left are the negative remarks you made, because people are not mind readers.  Once the damage is done, it becomes permeant.

 

Winter Is For Restarting

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The first official snow fall has drifted downward here, coating the ground with a thin sheen of the white fluff and prompting the first wave of winter nostalgia.  Winter, as GOT John Snow would so handsomely proclaim, is HERE.

Although some people view winter has this annoying gnat buzzing by your ear, ever reminding you of it’s power over you;  I find winter as a chance to start fresh.  Winter marks the end to the growing season, but there is still life under the vast white and deeply rooted in the frozen soil. This life will spring into the world after the thaw and the cycle will start anew.  A phoenix from the ash.

Everyone conjures up a New Year’s Resolution (let’s not discuss how many of us fail miserably) but we forget there is more time to resolve than just one day.  We have a whole season!  Let the chill and daftness of the season spark a fire inside to keep your resolution burning!

This winter, I will focus on cementing goals that I had started in the spring.  I will take the time to let the winter celestial guide me and help me contemplate.  The forest turns to an soothing vastness that will help cleanse and impeded the mind, the air is brisk, your body begins to slow down to prepare for months of lull, so take this

Take time this winter from complaining and bickering about shoveling and frost, to instead sit and appreciate the beauty of the season.  Let your mind take time to use this healing period to sort through what you could not over the warmer months.  Our bodies are designed to work with the seasons, the food that grows around us nourishes us based on the month at hand, take these and go with it.  Let your system reset.

Rock Bottom Hurts

I suppose there is a story for everyone, the moment they hit the ground in life without so much as a breath of warning. When you come to see the things you’ve otherwise refused to acknowledge and now are forced to bare witness.  For lack of a better description, it is like dropping from a high height without any means of landing in sight.  Just the constant, gut pitching churning of that invisible gravity taking over.  Falling.  Endlessly falling.

Then suddenly you are there. Realization taking hold of what you have done and that drop in your stomach simply turns to a heavy stone, weighing you done. It is a terrible sense of hopelessness.  How do you undo what has just happened?  What could possibly fix this mistake you have made?  How did you get to this point? Didn’t you see it coming?  Why didn’t you pay attention?

Emptiness.  Not a true emptiness, no, not a void of nothing.  This is an emptiness that feels like tiny nails scratching along the inside of your chest and brain.  A numbing of things.  An ever present fog that sticks to your bones and refuses you of anything other than sullen humbleness. You are helpless.  You are incapable of moving past this and the stones in your gut and the fog in your head leaves you god struck with nothing.  This is rock bottom.  It not a physical hurt, but essentially a LACK of any hurt.  It is confusion and desperation but voided of any urgency. It’s toxic.  Seeping deeply into your pores, spreading through the fibers of your muscles and decaying all that make you, you.

Rock bottom.  We have all been there.  I like to think this at least, to believe there is some comradery amongst us. Truly there must be people out there who have hit this metaphysical floor, who dragged their feet slowly towards nowhere.

Do you feel it now?  Does the smell of that fog wrench your guts and remind you of such hopeless futures?  Did you manage to pull yourself out of the ashes and into the light? Are you still there?

The truth is, we are creatures of habit.  Our habits are destructive.  We crave chaos.  We yearn for the demise of ourselves and others purely out of creation.  It is in our DNA.  How do we understand the pain of someone else without being selfish in our own intentions?  To be forgiven is selfish in nature, is it not?  You made the mistake, why do you yearn for everyone to forget? We yearn because we are hopeless.  We fall deeper because we are empty.  We are empty because at that moment, we are numb from the shock of realization of what it is that we have done.

Nothing is more human than not feeling human at all.

Don’t Lose Out

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Everyday things pass us that we never take notice of.  People.  Sounds.  With tilted heads we pass by so much wonder as we scroll our gifted thumbs along news feeds, posts and media feed to via our phones.  There is a whole world out there to experience, but sadly the majority of people have chosen to simply witness it through a 2×4 screen.  Is seeing something through a tiny window the same as actually living it?

We are in an age where it is now ‘uncommon’ to go out, cell phones abandoned and interact with the nature and society around us.  Do you even recall meeting someone who blatantly confessed to not own a cell phone?  Do you remember how you felt?  Can you even fathom being withheld from your phone?  Today we can search the internet and be graced by any photo of practically any origin, and we look upon these and have emotionally responses to these but are these truly what we should be aspiring?  Or has our acceptance of being never truly satisfied become the ultimate norm?

We are doing ourselves an injustice by settling for pixel happiness. We are visual and physical creatures; we should be outside experiencing life.  As a species, as a living organism, we learn through touch, taste and sound.  These things can not be portrayed through a gorilla glass touch screen. Go out.  Smell the air and the scents lingering in it.  Claim a tree, run through sand and every now and then, just sit and close your eyes.  Listen. Listen to nothing and everything.

An Attempt At Minimalism

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I love shopping.  I love going out to eat, spending money and feeling damn fancy.  I would like to think I am not alone in this addiction, that others such as myself have spearheaded into the credit world with as much ravenous hunger as myself.  I know where I inherited this habit, this need.  My mother and family is notorious in obtaining money and setting it on fire just as quickly.  It wasn’t until recently, having married a more frugal man, that I noticed just how lackadaisically I was acting about fiances.  Even more recently so that I noticed how much different I wanted my life to be than how it had turned out.

I caught the travel bug, a dangerous little virus that once infected will spread to every aspect of your life.  Once you’ve experience something that brings true joy to you, it is hard to quit it.  Unfortunately I do not poop out money and travel, regardless of all those travel hacks and penny pinching blogs, still costs a sizable chunk of money.  So naturally you start saving, and when you start saving you begin to notice all those little cracks you allowed money to trickle through.  As you fill the cracks, you begin to then notice all the silly things you spend money on in the name of happiness.

This is where I found my addictions roots.  Happiness.  Things I was buying to make me happy. They say you don’t notice things until you lose them, in my case I didn’t really notice them until I noticed I couldn’t be the person I wanted because the person I already was wasn’t going to let that shit happen.  For some people this moment may just be a gentle knock on the back of your head, for me it was shattering.  You see, it is very hard to try and change something when it has been the only truth in your life.  Money bought things – things brought happiness – you only live once so fucking buy everything!

But then, as many minimalist blogs will tell you, I noticed that these THINGS were literally eating me alive. I went from a tiny but comfortable apartment of 650 sqft to 1500 sqft not including a massive ass barn and everything was packed.  I had somehow managed to acquire three dining tables, fifteen dining chairs, boxes on boxes of gawd only knows what, and honestly I have no idea what is filling up the other 800 sqft….I noticed I was living inside stuff that did nothing but take up space.  I stopped and asked “why do I have this?” Seriously, WHY.  That money spent on whatever this thing is could have gone towards a trip somewhere.  I began to look at money and things as “this or that.”  You can have THIS or you can experience THAT.

My husband and I both want out of our day jobs.  We have ideas that have just been out of reach. I want to expand an art career, he wants to invest his time and money on other endeavors.  The way we are now prevents that.  I know it’s all me, he would wear the same shirt from high school with holes in it if I hadn’t tossed it out.  The point I am making here is that noticed what I was doing wrong.  My aversion to shopping and buying ‘stuff’ was my quick fix to not being happy.  The root was happiness and how I had allowed myself to be believe happiness was something that it was not.

I am going to try and cut it all out, trim out all that fat and start over.  It wont be easy.  Trying to change a way your brain works never is, but I am determined to be someone else than this money monster I have allowed myself to become.

Taking Time For Yourself

It is not unusual in this day and age to become completely wrapped up into the social media spider web.  The internet has seemingly granted many people a special level of power because of the lack of physical connection and ambiguity.  Aside from becoming venomous,  addicting and destructive; the web has become for some a place to vent their frustrations and concerns.  Instead of physically opening up, people are turning more and more to anonymously postings and writing about their concerns, thoughts and needs.

Simply reading about and posting about how you want to meditate and find balance; however, wont do anything.  A person can spend hours indulging themselves in wellness blogs and ‘life-hacks to happiness’ but none of these things will help you if you do not practice them in the here and now.  Aside from over powering your brain with digital nonsense, you are disconnecting yourself from these teachings.

Take these teachings and put an hour aside each night to practice them.  Make the time.  It’s amazing what you can find time to do when you honestly WANT to do them. Practice these, make them habits and reap the benefits of something constructive.   After a while these things will become second nature and you will be able to feel the affects of both disconnecting yourself a bit from the toxic digital rampage and the healing powers of holistic exercises.